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Free Space is the space you create for your children where:
- there is no emotional pressure
- they are not made to feel guilty
- they can connect with you in peace
- they can think and feel for themselves
- their healthy boundaries are respected
- they are free to love both parents
- the focus is forward and not on the difficult past
Firstly, you need to understand that:
- Alienated children do love their alienated parents, but they can feel very guilty about showing it. They learn showing the alienated parent love and admiration disappoints or angers the alienating parent.
- It is not the alienated child's fault. Alienated children have been influenced and emotionally manipulated to reject the target parent or family member.
- Understand that alienated children are on a challenging journey
- Alienated children are under emotional pressure, which contributes to why they retract or disconnect entirely. The situation gets too difficult to manage, and they go where there is minimal pressure.
- Children are not equipped with coping skills to handle emotional abuse and coercive control.
- The children are often unable to use their critical thinking skills when their world is full of adult emotional input. They stop thinking for themselves and take on the alienating parents thoughts and feelings as if they are their own.
- Alienated children don't all behave the same. Some children internalise their feelings (withdraw) whilst others externalise them (act out). They may even go between both.
- Severely alienated children can still perform exceptionally well academically and physically in sports. It is something that they can control when their life is out of control. Focusing and sometimes obsessing can be a coping mechanism, whereas others can become quite dysfunctional or withdraw from everything.
- Children will often struggle to put down healthy boundaries with people they love, especially with an over-emotional and needy parent. The child will become committed to appeasing that parent and do everything they can to make them feel better. But this can be impossible when the emotional bar is set high.
- The negative things alienated children may say are not necessarily an accurate reflection of their truly held feelings and thoughts.
- Children in alienation situations can become trauma bonded and hyper-protective of the alienating parent. It is very much like Stockholm Syndrome, but homestyle.
- Alienated children may go above and beyond to please their alienating parents. The child may go in and fight the alienating parents battles for them. The alienating parent's problems become their problems.
- Alienated children will sometimes give in to the emotional pressure or the interrogation, which means they can report back things that never happened (Eg. lousy parenting and abuse) to appease the alienating parent.
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In the “Free Space” there is:
- No emotional pressure from you. As tempting as it can be to talk about your feelings, the past or current situation.
- Avoid setting the record straight about "what really" happened, as this creates distance and anger.
- Any time you do have with your child, make it positively memorable.
- Avoid reactive behaviour around your child. Always stay calm
- Avoid arguing with your child. You don't want your time spent with your child to be full of conflict or add more stress on one another.
- Please don't make your child feel guilty by talking about the wrongs they may have done or for not seeing you.
- Avoid criticising or blaming the other parent for their wrongs in front of your children.
- If you feel you are struggling with your situation, please see your GP and get additional support from a mental health professional.
Social Media and Your Digital Footprints
“Free Space” on Social Media
Out of curiosity, alienated children will often block and unblock the targeted parent on social media. They will sometimes use their friend's accounts or devices to peak in. They do this under the radar, so they don't upset or anger the alienating parent.
- Make sure your digital footprints and social media feed appeal to your child, not a history of anger, sadness, and bitterness.
- If your children were to look in on your life on social media, would they be attracted to how you present yourself online?
- Remember your behaviour, including your words spoken and written, which includes your texts, emails, Facebook posts and so on, can be used against you by the other parent and submitted as evidence in court.
- If you have time with your child and take a photo together, it is safer to avoid sharing it on social media while trying to reunify. Sharing photos publicly can increase their anxiety. If news gets back to the alienating parent, it will rock the boat. The child will also feel guilty as if they have broken the loyalty with the alienator. As exciting as it can be, understand how the child feels. Alienation situations don't just snap back to normal as we all wish. These situations have taken a long time to pack. Be patient.
When Communicating with an Alienated Child:
- Always speak calmly with love and kindness despite how your child communicates with you.
- Do your best not to react. Pause and take a few breaths. Text messages and emails do not need responding to immediately, especially when they are aggressive or accusing you of things you didn't do. Give yourself time to think rather than react.
- Focus forward constructively. If you had a magic wand, how would you like to see the future? What steps do you need to take?
- Avoid bombarding them with communications even though you may be excited to get a breakthrough. The sudden regular contact may trigger their anxiety if the alienating parent finds out.
- No response to communications does not mean they don't want to reply or don't love you. Often the communications are highly monitored.
- Have no expectations when it comes to receiving responses to contact. Understand they are already under pressure. Sometimes you may not receive any contact, or you only receive a crumb. Anything more is a plus.
- Be the best version of yourself and try to behave in a way that appears like nothing is wrong, so they know everything is okay between you. Make sure you are getting additional support to help you cope.
- Avoid dark and heavy conversations. Be upbeat even though sometimes this can be very difficult. That's why additional support and self-care is a must-do.
- Show your children that you are interested in them by asking them about school, activities or hobbies they may be involved in, their friendships and so on (articles for engaging with teens)
- Avoid talking about the situation or the past goings-on as they may withdraw out of guilt for rejecting you or participating in the alienation to appease the other parent.
- Remember, actions speak louder than words, so don't make promises you cannot fulfil
- Try not to engage in communications when your child is angered (heated), as you will not be able to reason with them. "Strike when the iron is cold."
- Children in alienated situations will often use borrowed language from the alienated parent.
- It's best to try and find times to communicate with your child when the other parent isn't in earshot or view of the child, where the child isn't coached what to say or doesn't feel the need to act out in from of them.
An alienated child is a child in crisis that needs their targeted parent to do their best to rise above the alienator's behaviours, self-care through the situation and lead by example.
Remember:
It is essential to engage in self-care practices to help maintain your physical and emotional health. Like putting on a life vest when you're on a sinking ship.
Eat healthy, practice mindfulness, exercise daily and get outdoors in the fresh air.
Keep living your life and never give up!
Hidden Love or Secret Love
Pathway of Love and Kindness
Pathway of Love and Kindness
Alienated children do love the targeted parent, but they can feel anxious showing it. They sometimes have to keep communications secret or hidden from the alienating parent as they have learned it upsets or angers them.
Pathway of Love and Kindness
Pathway of Love and Kindness
Pathway of Love and Kindness
Gently sprinkle your love out there on the pathway home for your children to find and follow. Help guide them back into your life with love and kindness. Never give up.
Shine Bright
Pathway of Love and Kindness
Shine Bright
Turn your porch light on. Be the best version of yourself by practising self-care every day in every way. Shine bright, so when your child gets curious, they will look in and see a healthy balanced version of you, and you're still there loving them like you always have been.
EMMM Petition
Parental Alienating Behaviours are Child Abuse & Family Violence
This serious form of abuse and family violence can no longer be ignored. Parental alienating behaviours must be acknowledged in Australia as it is in other parts of the world. We need legislation that not only acknowledges its existence but firmly and clearly legislates against it.