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Important Note Before Setting The Big Boundaries
Sometimes, to keep a healthy relationship with people you care about or love, you may need boundaries with those who try to block, control, or interfere with that connection.
Boundaries help protect your safety, values, wellbeing, and the relationships that matter to you. They are used when behaviour becomes harmful, pressured, unsafe, or repeatedly disrespectful. A boundary should not be used to punish someone, take sides, or cut off a person simply because someone else wants you to.
Sometimes people are pressured to reject a safe parent or family member. If the reason for cutting contact comes mostly from another person’s anger, fear, or story, slow down and think carefully before making a major decision.
The bigger boundaries, which we will learn about below, should be based on your own experiences, clear patterns of behaviour, and genuine safety concerns, not someone else’s opinion or story.
If you are unsure, speak with a trusted and balanced adult or professional who will help you think clearly, not choose sides for you. If you are in Australia and need someone safe to talk to, Kids Helpline offers free, confidential support on 1800 55 1800.
Protect Your Relationships
Protecting Your Land
Think of your life like a piece of land.
Your thoughts, feelings, body, time, energy, memories, and relationships all live on that land.
A boundary is how you protect it.
It is how you decide:
Who is allowed on your land
How close they can come
What behaviour is acceptable
What behaviour is not
Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are about protecting you. You do not need permission to protect your land.
Levels of Metaphoric Boundaries
1. The Line in the Sand
Your First Boundary
This is your early warning boundary.
It is for the first moment something feels off.
You are saying:
This does not feel okay
Please stop
Examples:
- Please do not talk about that
- That makes me uncomfortable
- I need you to stop messaging right now
- That is not okay for me
This boundary is small and calm.
It gives the other person a chance to adjust.
But some people will scuff your line in the sand.
They ignore it.
They joke about it.
They push again later.
They tell you that you are too sensitive.
When someone scuffs your boundary instead of respecting it, you move up.
2. The Picket Fence
Limited Access
This is a controlled boundary.
You are now saying:
You may come this close
But no closer
You still allow some access, but you clearly restrict it.
Examples:
- I will talk to you, but not about the past
- I will visit, but only for a short time
- I will reply, but not straight away
- I will talk in group settings only
This boundary is for relationships where you:
- Still want some connection
- But no longer feel safe with full access
Some people will swing a leg over your fence.
They push your limits.
They stretch the time.
They guilt you.
They test your rules.
They act entitled to more access.
When this keeps happening, you do not lower your fence.
You build a wall.
3. The Brick Wall
Firm Protection
This is your serious protection boundary.
You are now saying:
This behaviour stops completely
There is no negotiation
You use a brick wall when:
- Your softer boundaries have been ignored
- The same behaviour keeps repeating
- The person refuses to respect your limits
Examples:
- I will not discuss this anymore
- I am not responding to messages that guilt me
- I am taking space from you
- Do not contact me about this again
A brick wall is not cruelty.
It is protection after warning signs were ignored.
Some people will try to climb your wall.
They go through other people.
They pressure you emotionally.
They accuse you.
They try to scare you out of your boundary.
When that happens, you move to the final boundary.
4. The Hand Grenade
Emergency Safety Boundary
Cutting All Ties to Stay Safe
This boundary is used when:
- There is emotional abuse
- There is control
- There is stalking
- There is intimidation
- There is repeated harm with no change
- Your mental health is deteriorating
- Your physical safety may be at risk
This boundary means:
No contact
No access
No negotiation
It is cutting all ties so you can:
Stay safe
Recoup
Heal
Get support
Think clearly again
In some cases, safety may require police involvement. This does not mean you are overreacting. It means risk has crossed into danger.
This is not punishment.
This is evacuation.
You do not owe access to someone who is harming you.
Healthy boundaries are meant to protect you from harm, pressure, and repeated disrespect. They are not meant to keep you away from people who love you, care for you, and want the best for you.
Sometimes young people grow up with distance from a parent, grandparent, or family member they may have wanted to know better. Sometimes that distance came from conflict around them, other people’s stories, or situations they did not create.
Being connected to safe and loving family relationships is an important part of life. Wanting love, belonging, and connection is not weakness. It is human.
If there is someone you have missed, wondered about, or quietly carried questions about, you are allowed to think about what contact could look like now.
You do not need to rush. You do not need to know everything first. Sometimes healing begins with one small, thoughtful step.